I have no clue where this post is heading. Most likely it will consist mostly of rambling jargon. So if you don't speak gibberish, you won't understand anything in this post going forward.
I was taught to be an independent person. I was taught by my parents, many teachers, and (let's face it) life to be this way. I admit it too, I love being independent. Amazing things and experiences have resulted from this. But lately at church and in my life the topic of being too independent has been popping up.
I get it. Being too independent takes away from other qualities that make a well rounded person. We need to be self sufficient but not too prideful to accept help, (oops) and not too independent to think we can do everything on our own, without the help of (caution: religious belief up ahead) the Man upstairs.
What I have noticed as of late is that this attribute doesn't compliment another one I happen to possess... being shy and somewhat of an introvert. For obvious reasons, you can see how this can be a problem. Side note, don't mistake being an introvert with being socially inept or awkward. Those things are not synonymous.
Moving on, I have been blessed with really great relationships with amazing individuals and I would not trade those friendships for anything. So, I don't want this post to come off as being ungrateful or sounding as if I have no positive social experiences in my life. That is not the case.
What I am trying to get at - I think - is that dating is really stupid, to put it eloquently. And it is hard for me, partly because of what I took forever to explain a few paragraphs ago. I don't like putting myself out there on the line waiting for a fish to bite because I am a girl, and like most girls I don't think my bait is going to cut it. So I try and dress up my worm with fancy fishing crap that will hopefully catch the attention of some fish.
Why am I talking about fishing? I don't know anything about fishing...
And while I am sitting there with my pole, it is obvious I haven't a clue what I am doing. I don't have a lot of experience and it is so painfully obvious that it makes me want to run for it. I stand there awkwardly looking around, seeing what other people are doing, trying to mimic techniques here and there... and I fail. Some people you look at and you can tell they are seasoned fishers and they have already caught their catch of the day. And I am standing there like a fool; like a fool!
Anyway, I can't see what is going on because the waters are so muddy and murky I don't have a chance at figuring out what is actually going on in this situation. I just have to wait for a fish. They are slippery devils! Kidding. But seriously. And then once every ten years a fish bites and I start to reel this sucker in and things seem to be going alright. I mean, sure, it's going to take some effort, but I start to think, "hey, this fish seems like a great catch" and then just like that, I have made a mistake, or he gets away, something happens, a fishing disaster. However, sometimes (almost never) I do catch him, but I throw him back because he wasn't what I actually want, or because he's a mean fish.
Why is this on my mind? I could give you a couple of reasons.
As of late, I have been incredibly lucky in my life. Of course by lucky I mean blessed. I have a new job that is an amazing career opportunity. I love my job, the people I work with are amazing too. When I hear people complain about their job or their co-workers, I just give thanks again that I am where I am. And I am now financially stable. BONUS! Before, most of my stress was my finances. Now that I don't have to worry about that part of my life as much, I'm worrying about the potential I have to turn into a crazy cat lady before I hit the ripe age of 25. In case you don't know me very well (which weirds me out that you would be reading this) I love cats, so this is an actual possibility, not a vague joke most people throw around. It really could be my future.
Another reason? It's the holiday season. What a horrible time to be alone! Especially when I am the only single one left in my family and the only single person on my team and work! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR THE WORK HOLIDAY PARTY?
I apologize for my outburst.
Our company party is a few weeks away and the invitation is for me and a guest. Seriously? Crap. I don't have anyone I could ask. I could take a girl friend, but I feel that would make me pathetic and make it obvious I couldn't find a date. So, thinking about how I can't think of anyone I could even ask to take makes me feel like a ghastly, ugly worm at the end of a fishing line.
The best part is what people say to me about being single. Like being single is a disease or a condition. Or that maybe I am the disease or condition. I'm not even going to get into it because it actually makes the situation suck more.
I am happy. I am. I happy with who I am. I just wish that who "I am" didn't have to be alone all the time. Eh, whatever. There are worse things =)
This is an article focused on single LDS members who go to a family ward, but the analogy about the jacket fits all...http://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/06/singles-in-the-ward-family?lang=eng
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