Learning to Dance Again

I realize this is my first post in over a year. And that a lot things have happened during this time... like marriage and stuff. But I'm not going to do a recap so this is about other random things. Which is what my posts are usually all about anyway.  This picture will recap enough...

Okay... now back to business.

I am a dance major. At that point in my life, everything I saw in my future was related to this education I was receiving and was directly related to the thought "my blood (a little too literally), sweat (literally times ten), and tears (literally)" were going to pay off when I start my own dance academy and dance company. Yeah... ok.  Let's bring it down a notch or two.

There are a lot of dreams that I have that I will not accomplish. There are a lot of dreams that I had and didn't even come close to accomplishing. That doesn't mean I am going to stop dreaming. That doesn't mean that I have given up and have stopped doing things to progress my journey in making those dreams a reality.

Dreams are funny things. There are a lot of different dreams and everyone has their own version of dreaming. So this post is probably only relevant to myself. Well, whatever, I am still going to write it anyway.

But I'm not the only one.

Dreams are wishes that are put into motion. Wishes are merely thoughts, dreams require actions.

We aren't talking about wishes here. That's is a whole other thing.

So, dreams change. If you are anything like me, dreams change, or modify quite often. And some dreams are bigger than others, and some dreams aren't at the top of my list anymore, but are now maybe wishes, what ifs, and that would be cool, kind of thoughts.

It doesn't mean you have given up, but maybe your priorities change. Maybe you realize that you need some sense of reality when thinking ideally... I mean when I was a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist... that was simply the worst fit ever. I am terrified of the big blue ocean and I have to be good at a lot of science... no thanks. Or there are things at this point in your life that mean more to you than becoming an Oscar winning actress, or a Jazz singer in a rhinestone studded gown in Vegas. Don't judge. Those were REAL dreams. But maybe that is part of this whole "dreaming" process. You figure out what your real dreams are.

There are dreams that you realize are there only after getting to know yourself better... and hopefully you are getting to know who you are as person all the time. As people life is constantly shaping us and reshaping us. And when you get to know yourself better, you can see areas that you want to become better, maybe some new dreams come about and you are back at the beginning.  

Just because you didn't accomplish ALL your dreams, or even what you thought was your ONE AND ONLY dream, in the way that you thought you should have or could have doesn't mean those dreams didn't make an impact on you or those around you. If you strive for good things, the results will be positive, even if the result is you learned a lesson. Most likely, you come out on the other side of the tunnel with more knowledge about yourself and this universe we live in. If you "fail" and realize your dream is not going to happen, you can still take the opportunity to learn from that failure, if not only to relate and help someone else.

Maybe you didn't start your own dance company, but in dreaming about the possibility, you learned a few, or a million things. You learned how to be creative. You learned how to have a good work ethic and to practice. You learned you sucked at ballet. Then you learned to accept it and keep working at it anyway. You learned how to better communicate by trying to teach someone a dance you created in your body. It's harder than it sounds. You learned that no matter how hard you tired, sometimes it just didn't matter. You learned how to be more patient. You learned how to be more open. You learned how to be supportive. You learned how to fall without hurting yourself. You learned how to be vulnerable.  You learned that not everything you created was worth putting on the stage. You learned a lot about life.

I stopped dancing for about a year. That is just sad, because dance is a part of me. It is. It's not something that I want to ignore. Dance is something I had to work really hard at because I got the short end of the stick when it came to a lot of dance things... and anatomically... and experience wise. Anyway, my blood, sweat, and tears were not wasted. And I get to take/teach dance once a week now. That's like the most miniscule amount compared to what I had been doing or what I thought I was going to be doing. But it still makes me happy. My dream now, in regards to dance, is to just dance. At least right now it is. That could change =)

Basically what I am trying to say is that I have a lot of dreams. Some old some new. They pertain to all areas of my life. Some are more fickle than others. Some, I know, will never change. Some dreams were fulfilled in a way that was completely unexpected. Some, I know deep down, probably won't happen. That doesn't stop me from dreaming. It helps me have the motivation I need to keep dreaming and keep going.

Um, I didn't proof read this, so if something doesn't make sense, sorry. I will try and edit later.

Goodbye 2012! (Final Cut Part II)

It's that time again. A new year has begun and I don't think I am remotely capable of being able to comprehend this last year and the changes that have taken place. I know I am not alone in this, which brings at least a little bit of comfort. Comfort isn't the right word. Ease, maybe. That might not be it either...

This last year has left me drained. It's crazy how much can change in a year, in a moment even. I'm not going to go into detail of what this last year has meant to me, I can't find the words for it. It wouldn't make sense and there are things that I have been trying to bury that I hope I can do with the hope of a new year.

The beginning of the new year has always been interesting to me. Not because of the date, but the reaction to it. Everyone makes resolutions and promises to themselves that they are going to change. Usually promises that they won't keep. It's odd to me. How can people keep promises to others if they can't keep the ones they make to themselves? I have never been one for making resolutions, maybe I don't even trust myself haha.

I guess I don't understand why people have to wait for the new year to do something new and extraordinary to their lives. It's like we wait for the excuse to change. To wait until it is a little more acceptable to change. I don't know why people wait and put off something they think would be good for them in the long run. Why wait? If I have learned anything this year it is that life is unpredictable and to take control of what you can.

Oh, what would a blog post be like from me if it wasn't rambling nonsense? I guess that isn't going to be something that changes this year. At least not yet.

Anyway, to continue the tradition... This time of year I put together a soundtrack of my last year. Earlier last month I started trying putting together a playlist and I will be honest, it has been a struggle. So, I probably won't explain why these songs are on here. I hope you enjoy it at least a little.

And don't take it too seriously... And it isn't in any particular order.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

1. High Hope - Glen Hansard

2. Cryin' - Aerosmith

3. 2 Become 1 - Spice girls

4. Drowning - BSB

5. I Hurt Too - Katie Herzig

6. That's Life - Frank Sinatra

7. Gotta Be You - One Direction

8. Skinny Love - Bon Iver

9. Ghost - Ingrid Michaelson

10. Wide Awake - Katie Perry
I'm not even sorry for liking her anymore.

 11. Barton Hollow - The Civil Wars


12. That One Song by Taylor Swift
Hahahahaha! Just kidding... she will NEVER be on this list!

12. (The real one) How to Love - Lil Wayne

13. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow - Amy Winehouse

14. Emmylou - First Aid Kit

15. Wonderwall - Oasis

16. Free - Haley Reinhart

17. Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper

18. Alone - Heart

18 (and a half). Supremacy - Muse

19. Be Be Your Love - Rachel Yamagata

20. Thinkin Bout You - Frank Ocean

21. Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros

22. Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons

23. That Wasn't Me - Brandi Carlile 

24. Save Part of Yourself - Brandi Carlile

25. Katy on a Mission - Katy B

26. So Well - Dawes

Acting on an impulse

I am not a naturally rebellious person. It is something that I just don't have in me. So, when I do want to do something different or drastic or oh-so-wild (I need to get out more). Anyway, my hair is the victim. 

Maybe I have been listening to too much Katy Perry and picked up on some subliminal messaging in her music. The message being something like "dye your hair a color that is not practical, slightly unnatural and you too will be as amazing as I am." 

*Confession of the night: I really like Katy Perry. Whatever. And she rocks rainbow colors in her hair. Maybe one day I will try out a blue bob? At this point, anything is possible. 

I love it

I have always wanted to dye my hair red. Like, really, really red. I had a stint in high school where I had slightly red hair, but this urge has been growing for a while. So, I did it. This weekend I went right ahead, and did it. I mean it's not THAT extreme... but it is extreme for me! 

Want to see a picture? Here you go..

 

Kidding... I don't have a picture of it yet. I'm sure I will post some pictures after Christmas vacation! Besides, Ariel has way better hair than I do... Depressing.

Keep away from children

This is the most boring thing I could find

Apparently I am not to be trusted with sharp objects. In the course of twenty-four hours I managed to injure myself twice. Not to make it sound like they were anything serious because they weren't, I am just a huge wimp.

I cut myself on my left palm in the perfect spot. And by that I mean even though it wasn't even deep, it kept on re-opening. Yay.

The next night, I was washing another knife and I somehow accomplished almost flaying my whole right thumb. I am obviously incompetent... and I had no idea. It's a good thing the knives that I own are horribly dull. Still, I thought I was old enough to handle holding a knife.

I guess that seems to be the regular theme of my life these days! I thought I was old enough to handle a lot of things. I, uh, I think I was wrong.

I hate to sound cliche, but it seems that sounding cliche has become my thing. As a kid, you are always imitating things, finding ways to appear older, to be more mature; although, it always seems to make you seem more like a child. I even remember thinking that I was mature and so "grow up". Hahahahaha.

Yeah, right.

Now as as a so-called adult (still laughable) I feel more like a child than ever before. Sometimes not fully equipped to appropriately handle what life throws at me.

My life is simple, yet complicated. A situation may seem simple, but my mind loves to turn such situations into a complete mess of thoughts and emotions. So, I am standing there, doing something as simple as washing a knife and next thing I know I have cut myself.

This was not my first knife washing experience. I have done it so many times before and had walked away without causing myself bodily harm, but it only takes one time to do some damage. It only takes one second of being distracted before you loose a thumb.

I realize that in this life we run into different obstacles and most of the time we are able to walk away without a scratch. Thinking nothing of what you just walked through.

While in other cases, we get hurt. I believe getting hurt is a necessary part of the human existence.  And sometimes, the pain we experience is a product of our own.

I'm not saying to not wash knives! I'm just saying, to myself more than anyone, to be careful when you do it... and pay attention. Even minor cuts hurt.

 

Who needs to sleep?

It is almost one in the morning and my brain apparently has forgotten that sleep is essential, even though I need to wake up early tomorrow.  My brain wants to pretend that my body doesn't need sleep... great. So, even though I probably should be going to bed, that just isn't going to happen anytime soon. (I'm a little bit of a lightweight when it comes to staying up late sometimes... Oh so lame.)

What has been on my mind that has been keeping me up? Well, that is a personal, private matter, and I am not going to tell you anything about it... But I will tell you about another time life apparently did not want to grant me any sleep, although I desperately wanted it.

Let's not...

I had my first "real" camping experience this summer. Sure, I have been camping once before with my family, but I was so young, I don't remember hardly anything. What I do remember is my mom telling me she would be sleeping in the van, and me being the youngest, I got to sleep in the van also. Perfect. Thank you mom. You taught me so much.

When I told some other friends and some of my family that I was going camping, the most common response was basically one of shock, followed by some form of laughter. Yeah, those responses were valid.

My friends decided to go to Yuba this summer and camp on the beach and go boating. I would be lying if I said I didn't have a good time. I totally did... but I would have to say that is was mostly due to the people I was with and the fact that we were mostly out on the boat all day. That part was amazing. Really. We laughed a lot and all had a really great time together and we listened to a lot of Spice Girls. Who wouldn't have a good time? I was actually just talking to Melissa about everything that happened that weekend and I have to admit that we made some really good memories.

So, was camping as horrible as I was predicting? No... and also yes. 

This is where the sleeping comes in - or doesn't.

First let me just say that it was so windy the whole weekend it was exhausting it literally exhausted me. The first night, the girls went to our tent and I was apprehensive. I had never really slept in a tent, camping before. It just isn't safe OK?

I admit, our set up was probably the best out of everyone else. Does that mean we got any sleep? Of course it doesn't. It was cold. It was windy. It was noisy. I wanted to cry. I might have freaked out a little bit. I was completely out of my element. I wanted a shower, and normal food, and my bed, and a toilet that flushed, and no sand in my eyes and mouth...

It was the longest night I could remember in a long time. It sounded like there was a group of people slapping the tent over and over and over and over again. In NEVER let up. EVER. The sand was everywhere. (Apparently I am a huge wuss and it is a good thing I was born into the life I was and the time I was. Seriously... it's a little pathetic).

I think we got a total of a couple hours sleep, if that. However, it didn't put a damper on the rest of the weekend. Especially since the next night, I got to sleep in a truck, tucked away nice and safe. Thanks boys!

This post is the worst flowing, most jumbled thing ever. Just like that last sentence.

Anyway, I think it is safe to say that I have had my fill of camping for the year. I'm glad for the experience, but I am also glad that it is winter and I won't have to worry about going camping until next summer.

I still don't understand the desire and love people have for camping. I like nature as much as the next person. (STOP LAUGHING! IT'S TRUE!) But at the end of the day, I need a home. Camping is kind of dirty and a lot of work. Regression - not my thing. We started building houses to live in for a reason, right? My idea of camping may or may not include an all inclusive resort. Just saying.

Camping obviously isn't my scene.

Happy

I have come to a lot of realizations this week; and I must say that it has been a tad overwhelming.

These past couple of months have come and gone like a whirlwind and I never took the time, or made the effort to really process everything that was going on in my own life.

I have always embraced change. I find it exciting and necessary. It is something that even though it might make me apprehensive, because of the inevitable adjustment that has to take place, it usually is all for the better. But what the problem I have is I don't ever take the time to transition. It's like when I am going swimming in an unheated pool. I don't wade in when I can just get it all over by jumping in the deep end.

For an example, when I graduated from college I just packed up and left. It wasn't even until after I was already on my way home that I realized I didn't even think about the fact that I was leaving the place that I had lived for the past five years of my life; the place I had made so many friends and memories and had shaped me into me.

In the past few months I have: moved to a new condo (also meaning new church ward), started a new job, bought a new car, gotten closer to some friends and grown apart from others. Yeah, OK, so it really doesn't seem like a big deal, but let me tell you something, it felt like a big deal when I realized what my life looks like now compared to a few months ago.

So, all of this stuff has happened and I hadn't really processed any of it. I was just swimming blissfully in the deep end. But this week, when I was on my way to my friend Melissa's apartment, I started drowning in all of these emotions of how my life has changed and was changing! Seriously? I felt so lame. But luckily for me, when I told Melissa, she reassured me that I hadn't lost my grip on reality. Well, not any more than I already had.

But basically it allowed me to reflect over the past little bit and realize how great my life has become and what things I maybe need to be better at doing. Nostalgia can be really great every once in a while.

What does this have to do with Thanksgiving? Well, I don't really know. I am sure I could figure out something. I guess I am trying to say that I am thankful for our ability as humans to change.

I have had a few conversations on human nature and change recently with a friend of mine. It always drives me crazy when people justify their horrible actions by saying "that's just the way I am." OK... great. Way to take no responsibility and I completely disagree. I do believe that your personality might incline you to certain behaviors. However, in the end you make the ultimate choices and you can change. Why would all the best movies have something called character development, if we couldn't? And thank Heaven we can, because if I couldn't be working on a part of myself or trying to improve, I would hate to see the type of person I would be.

Well, that was an unexpected rant. I am just saying that I am grateful that I can change and grow as a person so I can be happy and have a happy life. And I am thankful that I know that.

I am thankful I am happy.

Alright, now for the cliche Thanksgiving part that you all have not been waiting for.

I am thankful for so many things. One thing that I very, very, very thankful for?

My family...

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

I wish I was too good for reality TV...

Let's just get it all out there. I enjoy reality television to a point. I wish I was more sophisticated and could say that I was too good for that crap, but I'm not. Don't let your imagination run too wild; I mean, I don't watch Jersey Shore. Since The Hills, I have stayed away from MTV altogether. And I don't think I have seen a full season of most of these shows.

Alright, I am done defending myself. Well, almost.

I wouldn't say I am addicted to this usually sad, sad representation of American life but have you seen some of these gems? Intervention anyone? Hoarders? A&E are reality television masters. I will advise you stay away from the obsession one... My Crazy Obsession on TLC... I saw one episode about an "adult baby" and I have never been the same.


See? It's absolutely horrifying. It literally makes my stomach feel all sorts of uncomfortable.

He is an (over) grown man, that is pretending to be a baby... Is this creepy to anyone else?

The worst part about this episode? When he had a custom onesie made. Ew.

Moving on. Let me just say that I am grateful for my friends who gladly partake in this activity with me. 

Some reality TV treasures? In my opinion - and please forgive my bad taste - I have enjoyed many a moment with some fine folks bonding over a scripted reality TV debacle. (Side note, what does scripted reality TV mean? I really don't know). 

Alright, to start off the list of The Best of the Worst, we have a show I was able to discover just last night.

Made in Chelsea:

Think The Hills...but more money... and they are British.

Honestly, some of the stuff that comes out of these people's mouths are unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. We had to rewind it to make sure it was really happening.

Hoarders: 

You know there is a dead cat in there somewhere right?

Oh this show freaks me out. I found it to be very helpful to watch while I was packing and moving. I threw away a ton of useless stuff and made moving that much easier. Bonus.

Married to Jonas:

Which Jonas Brother is that? 

I don't know anything about the Jonas Brothers, I never got into them. But that doesn't mean that this show isn't a nice way to unwind every once in a while. I think I have only seen two episodes. I know what you are thinking, "two episodes too many." Be original, that joke is tired.

Intervention:

Your family LOVES you!

This show is so good, and so depressing. Don't get sucked into a marathon of this show! Remember that torrential downpour of dark emotions anyone? Emily? Elizabeth?

Survivor:

Jeff, you always know what to say.

Yes, this show may have lost it's edge... after the first season. However, I got into it a few years back, and I am not upset about that. Every episode, I just wish I could try those challenges with my friends and family, and maybe my enemies so I can show them what's up.

Alright, that's it. I have only one left that I want to mention. I'm sure I missed out on all of your favorites, for my friends that will degrade their lives with such trash...

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:

I'm sorry, but this show is so great. Kyle is my favorite. Is this show ridiculous? Of course it is! That's what makes it so fun. That's what makes most of these so fun.

I have shared too much. You all judged me didn't you? Dang.




*I couldn't include any food related shows, because that is a post all its own.